Fore!

I received an e-mail yesterday from the Amana Colonies golf course that they are open for business. Ironic, as I looked out my window and watched snowflakes as big as parachutes descending toward the local golf course across the street.

It's got to be atleast 55 degrees to play golf or your hands sting when you make contact with the ball. I remember the same sensation when I was playing baseball in high school. We began practices in April and every time the bat made contact with the ball it felt like you were catching a snowball bare-handed.

And, it can't be windy when you play spring golf. The wind is always cold in the spring, and my ears start to ache. I could wear a stocking cap, I suppose, but how would that look when I'm standing in the tee box? Stupid, that's how. Not to mention that around these parts, when the farmers get into their fields, and the winds blow, you get that great Iowa manure fragrance wafting across the fairway. Nothing like waiting for every guy in your foresome to hit the ball, while you contemplate the benefits of a good cowpie.

And, you can't have high expectations for scoring in the spring. The greens are rough and bare, so a putt can not be trusted. A high chipshot landing short of the green could plug into the ground. You can simply forget about hitting the ball straight. If the wind doesn't wreak havoc on your flightpath (and nose), the first awkward backswings of spring sure will.

And you can't play on a cloudy day. Spring clouds can not be trusted. The radar says dry, and suddenly your walking toward the third green with a healthy shower upon you. It's always on the third hole, by the way, when you're as far away from the clubhouse as you can get.

And you can't be pleased with the credit card charge. It will be higher than last year, though we Iowans are fortunate that the cost of a round is lower here than most anywhere else. Amana is charging just $29 for all-you-can-play golf after 1 p.m., Monday through Thursday, before April 1. Ladies, that's like the annual whites sale at Bloomies. But the bottom line for the ardent golfer is that price is really no object. You suck it up if you want to tee it up.

I love golf. I love that I don't know which day will be the day I shoot two over par and which day will be +9. I love that I can smack the ball 260 down the middle, and then hit a 190 banana into the woods. I love that I can land a chip from 50 yards within 5 feet of the hole, or within 5 feet of where I'm standing. I love competing against myself, winning and losing with every stroke.

Let the season begin, and look out if you're playing in front of me. Fore!